“I just want to feel safe…”

This past week I recognized a trending theme in some of my coaching sessions; the desire to feel safe.  The common denominators: Each client that communicated this desire was a woman, and all of them were referring to relationships with men.

I believe that one of the most important (if not THE most important) relationship ingredients for a woman is safety.  When I speak of safety I speak of physical safety, of course, and a woman also wants to feel emotionally safe, and sexually safe.

As a relationship coach I hear this often, and as a woman I can relate to and understand this need.

Yesterday I was out riding my bike (something my Sweetheart and I do almost every day), and reflecting on my day.

As I was riding and thinking about the common thread throughout these recent coaching sessions I noticed a beautiful college age woman riding her bicycle around the lakes… without a helmet.

Cyclists without helmets… something I see too often.  My thoughts then turned to the drivers I see that are texting while driving and talking on cell phones while driving, once I even saw someone working on a laptop while driving!  All unsafe activities that, unfortunately, people engage in all too frequently.

That is when these two trains of thought collided and merged into another thought: People often live out an identity that is not in alignment with their desire.

In this example, how can I expect to be in a “safe” relationship if I am consistently putting out a message to the Universe that safety isn’t really one of my primary concerns?

The world around us is often a mirror that reflects exactly what is going on inside of us.

When what we say we want isn’t showing up, the clue we’re looking for is often within.

Love & Magic,





photo credit: Stuart Miles

This entry was posted in Chemistry, Coaching, General, relationships. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to “I just want to feel safe…”

  1. Beth says:

    do you have other examples about sending out “unsafe” signals?

    • admin says:

      Hi Beth,

      What a great question! Of course we each get to define what feels “safe” for us, and still there are certain things that we would probably all agree on to be unsafe behavior in general (ie: unsafe sex, driving while intoxicated, smoking, not wearing a seatbelt).

      The real point here is that the world we each create for ourselves has a lot to do with the “story” we tell, and sometimes we tell that story for so long we don’t even recognize it anymore. I wrote about my experience here: http://www.cindiechavez.com/?p=995

      Thank you so much for reading and for your insightful question!

  2. Roswitha (Steffi) Mueller says:

    Dear Cindie,

    I love and enjoy your posts, they really inspire me! Thank you!

    You probably know this old message: You will never find what you seek outside, unless you know the secret: You have to find it in yourself first!
    Safety is a state of mind.
    The message to the universe is not my action, but my thought, as it reacts to our thoughts and feelings, not to our actions. I need to feel safe first, I need to be safety and safe, then I act. If my thought is: Biking without helmet is dangerous, I have to put it on the be safe, I am in an unsafe position. I concentrate on danger or unsafety, and that is where my energy goes. I weaken my muscle tone and my concentration. This makes accidents more likely.
    If I believe: I am safe, then my strength, my concentration is on safety, on wellbeing and well going. That is where the energy goes. I am strong then. I will not fall. And very likely I will wear a helmet naturally.

    To feel safe and to be safe, a woman must stand in her inner safe position.
    I am surre you know what I mean!

    love and safety
    Steffi (Germany)

    • admin says:

      Hi Steffi,

      Thank you so much for reading and for your thoughtful comments! I agree, that our thoughts are the real issue, and our thoughts are what produce our feelings and our actions are always driven by feelings/emotions (and then we use logic to justify them!)
      Our actions (wearing a helmet in this example) will mirror our values (safety here), and when they don’t then we feel uncomfortable (guilt, frustration, anger, worry, etc.) Everything in balance of course. 🙂

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