Trust Yourself

Trust the UniverseHow can I learn to trust?

This is one of the top 5 questions that I receive from my women readers, and this week I received it several times.

I’ve answered it before, here.

But I wanted to answer it again today adding a new twist to the answers I’ve given previously.

Lately, I’ve been very focused on two specific ideas, one is the idea that the Universe is ALWAYS supporting me (and you), and the second is that the World I see is a direct reflection of what is going on in me and if I will just pay attention it will do me a whole lot of good.  I call this reflecting property the Magic Mirror.

What does this have to do with trusting?

Well first of all, I TRUST that the Universe is indeed always supporting me.  That’s easy when things are going my way, when my little world is ticking like a well-oiled clock.  Then again what about the days when my own little world seems to be ticking more like a time bomb?  That is when I MUST trust that the Universe is supporting me.

And that’s when I look into the Magic Mirror.  When I can look at what is going on in my own little universe and ask myself what part of this is showing me ME?

We use mirrors to show us what needs fixing, right?  I look in the mirror to see if my hair needs to be brushed, if my make-up looks okay, if I have food in my teeth!  Then, I take care of whatever it is that needs to be adjusted.

This is how the Magic Mirror works.  Our relationships are probably the greatest tool we have to really see what we are made of, the truest reflection of who we are.

If I am dealing with people who are untrustworthy, WHY?

And if I am having trouble trusting in spite of others seeming trustworthiness, WHY?

Am I trustworthy? Am I behaving like a trustworthy person?  Do I trust myself?

On one end of the spectrum is not trusting anyone, ever.  This is paranoia…”everyone is out to get me.”

I prefer to live at the other end of the spectrum, an idea called “Pronoia”, being that the entire world is conspiring to shower me with blessings.

If you’ve been hurt (and who hasn’t?) you CAN trust again.  Trust yourself first.

Trust yourself.  Trust the Universe.  Trust the process.

Love & Magic,

Cindie

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Image courtesy of nuttakit/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Relationship Boredom?

A Reader asks…

Q: “I always get bored and ‘fall out of love’ after the honeymoon period. How do I keep feeling attracted to the man?”

A: First let me say that this is a question I get fairly often. There are several possible reasons why this keeps happening in your experience.

The first reason may be purely chemical, and could be connected to allowing the relationship to become sexual too soon.

How soon is too soon, you may ask?

The answer is different for each couple, of course. But if you don’t know each other well enough to know if you have all 7 ingredients of great chemistry, it is too soon.

The reason for this is that first huge dose of bonding chemicals our brain produces upon getting physical is not enough to maintain the relationship once those chemicals start balancing out, or waning.  Sexual chemistry is only one aspect of great chemistry, and as wonderful as it is, it isn’t enough.

Secondly, consider the possibility that  the “newness” of the relationship is what you are attracted to.

Many people are attracted to new exciting things, and get bored with them when that initial excitement wears thin.

There is an idea that “How you do anything is how you do everything.”

That may be hard to swallow, but it is worth considering.

Do you get bored easily with hobbies, routines, music, job choices, etc?

For example; some people get very excited over a new job position, only to get bored and want to find a new job in just a few months, or they become very enthusiastic about finding a new hobby, only to abandon it a short time later.

If this is the case, the remedy is to find new exciting things to do and explore them together as a couple.

Recognize that your happiness, your fulfillment, your level of joy and excitement is not dependent on someone else.

So, first make sure that all 7 ingredients to great chemistry are present, and then make a choice to discover excitement together, instead of expecting the other to provide it.

Love & Magic,

Cindie

P.S. If you are ready for LOVE, I encourage you to listen in to The Love Summit!  I’ll be speaking along with 17 other relationship experts!

 

 

 

 

 

Image courtesy of David Castillo / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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A Painless Breakup?

Last week I got a question from a reader asking “How to let the person down easily and painlessly when you don’t see a mutual loving future.”

First, let me say, your kindness is apparent from the fact that you care about breaking up with someone “easily and painlessly”, and that you desire a “mutual loving future”.

Congratulations on being a thoughtful and compassionate human being!

Now for the bad news…you only have control over your own actions, not someone else’s reactions or responses.

So, unfortunately there is no advice I can offer you that will guarantee that this will be easy or painless for her/him.

However, you can definitely take care to present your desires and observations gently and with lovingkindness.

Break-ups are generally not easy for anyone! And, if you are both honest you’ll both get that it isn’t working.

Because if it isn’t working for one of you, it isn’t working.

Take responsibility for your own feelings and desires and be brave about communicating them.

Recognize that your partner may be feeling less than fulfilled with your relationship too.

Opening up a dialog about the relationship with your observation that you just don’t see a mutually loving future is a beginning.

I’ve seen many caring  individuals stay in a unhappy relationship because they didn’t want to hurt the other person.  Settling for an unhappy relationship doesn’t serve anyone.

My belief is what is best for you, really will be best for both of you, in spite of how painful the break-up may be.

Great relationships happen when both parties are fulfilled, not when one party is staying in to avoid pain.

Best wishes to you both.

Love & Magic,

Cindie

P.S. My new book The Peaceful Power Process contains the proprietary communication process my private clients rave about. This process makes any difficult conversation easier.

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Personal Freedom VS Emotional Connection

A reader asks, “How do I create an emotionally intimate relationship without sacrificing freedom?”

This is such a great question!

First, I want to ask you to define freedom? What do you mean when you speak of “sacrificing freedom?”

Because your own personal freedom is something that should never have to be “sacrificed” for any relationship.

The dictionary defines freedom as “being at liberty as opposed to being in bondage, being able to determine action without restraint, the absence of obligations, frankness of manner or speech, the power to exercise choice and make decisions without constraint.”

The first thing here is to be authentic, in your relationships, and in all areas of your life.

The biggest loss of personal freedom I see (in regards to relationships) is when someone participates in actions and behaviors that are not authentic to them in the interest of pleasing someone else.

Nothing will activate the loss of your freedom faster than the decision to become someone you are not just to be accepted. This is not freedom.

Certainly there are times when because of our desire to be of service to someone that we love, we choose to put our partner first because seeing them happy gives us joy.

We choose to give to them in spite of our own desires. In a healthy relationship both parties are willing to occasionally compromise because they know it will bring benefit to the other person, and in this kind of decision it often does not feel like compromise at all because it is a choice made without constraint and in the service of love. We choose it freely, this is freedom.

When we are open and honest about our own needs, wants, desires, preferences (authenticity) we can create emotional connection without losing our sense of self. We retain our own personal power.

Real power is power with others, not power over others.  If one has power over the other, one of you is not free.

As for emotional connection, the fastest way to build it is to be sure that your words and actions are congruent with how you really feel, and what you really want and need.

That is authenticity in a nutshell, and that is freedom.

It’s also sexy, and very attractive.

Love & Magic,

Cindie

P.S. If you are ready to totally transform your relationship, check out my new eBook: The Peaceful Power Process – Resolve Conflicts, Improve Communication, and Be Empowered! … and be sure to enter the code MAGIC to get it at a special price for readers of my blog!

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If You Can’t Say Something Nice…

If You Can't Say Something Nice...

If you can’t say something nice…

Can you finish the sentence?

“If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”

I’m sure that most of us would have a nice wad of cash if we had a dollar for every time we heard that while we were growing up.  At least I know I would.

I received this message from my family, and from society (i.e. my ballet teacher, I hate to admit it but I got kicked out of ballet class for talking too much at the ripe old age of 4, even though I am positive I must have been being “nice”.)

In my memory it seems that being nice was the only option allowed and approved.  Anger was NOT nice.  Grumpiness – NOT nice.  Complaining – NOT nice.  Whining – DEFINITELY NOT nice.

My Sweetheart’s brother likes to joke, “If you can’t say something nice, say something mean.”

And even though that was said as a joke, I think it is the thing that most people are trying to avoid by “not saying anything at all.”   Most of us don’t want to “be mean”.

I will agree that there are times that just “not saying anything at all” can be the best choice.  No sense in starting a melee over a small slight from a stranger in the grocery store line.

But what about the times we keep quiet with our loved ones, with those that are closest to us, with our colleagues we have to collaborate with every day, with co-workers, neighbors, friends, family?

When we avoid addressing something, we usually end up tolerating it.  And when we find ourselves tolerating something we begin to foster resentment and anger and that can lead to depression (especially if we are keeping it all inside because we want to be “nice”), not to mention all sorts of other stress.

The key here is being able to address a situation without being mean, and without being injudiciously nice.

This really is possible, and it begins with being observant and aware, choosing to be nonjudgmental and relaxed, and acting from a motivation of Love (as opposed to Fear).

Remember, your success greatly depends on two things, your ability to have a difficult conversation, and your willingness to take imperfect action.

Love & Magic,

Cindie

If you’re ready to address that issue that you’ve been avoiding, end the conflicts and connect on a deeper level with the people in your life click here.  And remember to use the code MAGIC to get a special limited time only discount.

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Two Ears and One Mouth

In this final segment of my 5-part series on Conscious Communication I’d like to address a couple of things that are imperative to good communication. Silence and listening.

1. Silence. Such a vast topic, and yet something we don’t experience often enough. In this post, I just want to ask you how much time you spend in silence?

Think for a moment about how you feel when there is silence within a conversation.

To most of us, silence in a conversation feels awkward. You know, that awkward silence we all dread. 🙂

Choosing to get more comfortable with silence in general is a good idea, and here’s why…

2. Listening. To be a good listener takes practice. Being a good listener requires the ability to be “with” someone while they are the speaker, and you are the listener.

If you are thinking of what your reply will be while they are talking you are “in your head” and not “with them”, and at that point you are not fully listening.

Here is where silence comes in, 1.) you listen, fully; get “over there” with them, 2.) you determine your reply AFTER they are finished speaking. <–This requires being comfortable with a bit of silence, and this is where we so often refuse the path of the GREAT LISTENER and take the mediocre listener path instead.

We get uncomfortable with the idea that there might be silence and we make sure to jump in as soon as possible and start talking. (Oops!…wrong path!)

But a really great listener is the person that can really HEAR you.

Something magical happens when people feel heard. The energy shifts, the air clears, the tension lessons, and relief is often felt.

So, a couple of tips for being a GREAT listener:

1. Breathe, and relax.
2. Choose the idea that silence is a good thing.
3. Metaphorically put yourself “over there” with your speaker and focus on what they are saying.
4. Realize that sometimes you hearing them is more powerful than you having something to say.

In this series we have determined that it is important to your success to: have difficult conversations, decide to be authentic, learn the right way to make the conversation about you, choose to be happy instead of being right, take the path of being a great listener.

Now I’d like to help you completely transform your relationships with my proprietary Peaceful Power Process™ eBook.  This is the tool my private clients rave about and I’m happy I can now offer it to you!

Until next time…

Love & Magic,

Cindie

P.S. All of these posts in this series have been the starting blocks, the beginning, the foundation of great communication. Now you’re ready for a transformation in the way you communicate.

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Why you must NEVER be Right.

“Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?”

I’ve heard it explained that there are two houses you can choose to live in, the one where you are experiencing Life and the one where you are Right.  You can’t live in both places at once.

The issue here is that so often we enter into a difficult conversation with the goal of being “right”.

And so often to prove that we are right, we engage in something called “wrong-making”.

That is, to prove that I am right, I have to prove that you are wrong.  This elicits resistance in the hearer as she then begins to defend her own “rightness”.

Here we go round the mulberry bush.  You are wrong.  No, I’m not, you are wrong.  And the moment we start down this road we are both competing for victim status.  You wronged me.  No, you wronged ME.

My guess is that if someone came right out and asked you if you wanted to be a victim, you would unequivocally say “NO!” Maybe even, “Hell No!”  And yet, as soon as we begin to defend our own state of “being right” by “proving” the other party is wrong, we’ve begun to claim victim status.

This whole circus can be avoided by choosing to see the situation from a non-judgmental perspective, as if there is no right, no wrong.  It just is what it is.

And once you choose this perspective, the energy around the discussion will completely change.

Here are a few practical tips:

1. Suspend judgment, just for the moment.  Realize that you don’t have all of the facts, and if you are certain that you do, pretend that you might not.

2. Say “no” to wrong-making.  Let go of the attachment to being right.

3. Let go of being attached to any specific outcome.

4. Breathe.

If you’ve read this far in my Conscious Communication series you have

  • become willing to have a difficult conversation (Part I),
  • began to be aware and present (Part II)
  • learned how to make the conversation about you (Part III)
  • have chosen to be happy instead of being right (Part IV)

Next time we’ll finish up the series with Part V, The Power of Silence

Until next time, I wish you Love & Magic,

Cindie

P.S. If you are ready to totally transform your relationship, check out my new eBook: The Peaceful Power Process – Resolve Conflicts, Improve Communication, and Be Empowered!

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Why this must be about You!

That difficult conversation I’ve been helping you get ready for… you must make it about you.

Because… It is about YOU.

You may be hesitant to make the conversation about you, because of the popular insult, “she makes everything about her” (implying narcissism), but I am not speaking of narcissistic behaviour, I am speaking about being able to connect honestly with another person.

And the only thing YOU can really be honest and authentic about is YOU, and how YOU feel, and what YOU think, and what YOU want.

A couple of tips on how to do this:

1. Use “I” statements instead of “You” statements.  Saying, “I felt sad when this happened” will be met with much less resistance than saying, “You make me sad when you do such and such.”  Remember, no one can “make you” sad (or any other emotion), you get to be responsible for that part.

2. Expand your “feeling word” vocabulary.  Having a small vocabulary of feeling words limits our expression.  There are many more ways to feel besides happy, sad, angry…and please choose more expressive examples than “okay”, or “fine”.  Saying that you are “okay” or “fine” just doesn’t give enough information.

These two tips alone will greatly improve your communication!

And if you’re ready to completely transform your relationships, check out my new eBook, The Peaceful Power Process

In Part IV we’ll address Why You Must Never Be Right.

Until then…

Love & Magic,

Cindie

P.S. If you missed the beginning of the series, here’s Part I.

Posted in Communication, Conscious Communication, General, Personal Growth, relationships | 3 Comments

Why You Must Be Willing to Get Real

“Be yourself.”  “Be true to yourself.”

We hear it so much, it almost seems cliche, but what does it mean?

Ancient wisdom advises us to, “know thyself”.

Let’s face it, if we aren’t being authentic in our conversation we are not dealing with things in an honest, real, way.

So, we need some self-knowledge, some self-awareness.

“Know Thyself.” But how?

We pay attention.  To our feeings, to our environment, to our wishes and desires, to our thoughts, our words, our inner life as well as our outer actions and reactions.

Paying attention begins in the present moment.  Here are a few tips to stay present:

1. Bring yourself into the present moment by recognizing how your body feels, are you hungry? tired? inspired? excited? warm? chilly? thirsty? achy? energized?

2. Bring yourself into the present moment by recognizing what’s going on in your environment, what is the temperature like in the room or outside where you are? Is it sunny, rainy, windy? What sounds can you hear, scents can you smell?

3. Notice your breath, take a few slow conscious breaths, breathing in to the count of five, and exhaling to a count of five.  Notice the sound, the temperature of the air as it enters your body cool and exits warmed.

The connection of awareness to self knowledge is made moment by moment as we are willing to be present.

Acknowledge your feelings, moods, thoughts, without judging them as good or bad, positive or negative.  Just notice them.

Notice your reactions to the things going on around you.  Step outside of yourself for a moment and just observe, as if you were watching from a distance.

You might wonder what this has to do with having a difficult conversation, and that is certainly a valid question, and next week we’ll answer that with Part III – Why You Must Make the Conversation About You.

Until next time, be present, be aware, and get to know yourself a little better.

Love & Magic,

Cindie

P.S. If you missed it, here’s Part I – Why You Must Be Willing to Have A Difficult Conversation.

 

 

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Posted in Coaching, Communication, Conscious Communication, General | 3 Comments

Why You MUST Be Willing to Have a Difficult Conversation

How do you feel about having a difficult conversation?

You might feel like running and jumping off a cliff just reading that question.

Very few people enjoy the thought of being involved in a difficult discussion.  Here is why you MUST be willing to have difficult conversations: Your success depends on it.  So, let’s talk about that conversation you’ve been avoiding.

I admit it does seem a hell of a lot easier to just avoid the damn thing most of the time.

However, here is why you don’t want to avoid it; because if you are avoiding it that probably means you are tolerating something. When we tolerate anything it causes stress.

I want to address something here…niceness.  Specifically, injudicious niceness.  One of my favorite quotes is, “injudicious niceness is a socialized disease.” What does that mean exactly?  It means that we are brought up to “be nice.”  To everyone.  Always. And that just doesn’t make sense.  Niceness just isn’t always appropriate.

Most often, thinking (or believing) that we should be nice all of the time is what keeps us from being willing to have a difficult conversation.

If having a difficult conversation is necessary to your success (from being a successful parent to having a successful marriage or relationship, or being successful in your career, etc.) and you believing that you have to avoid those conversations because it’s more important to be nice, then you are making a choice between being nice and being successful.  Isn’t that silly?

I want to help you. This post begins a 5-part series on Conscious Communication. This series will contain insight and practical tips to help you communicate in a deeper, more conscious, and more productive way.  Being able to do this will lead to more wins and less stress!

Today in Part One we’ve addressed the topic of difficult conversations and why you must be willing to have them.

In Part II, we’ll continue with why you must be willing to be authentic, and where to begin.

For now, just take the small step of willingness.  Be willing to entertain the idea that with the right tools you could easily have that conversation you’ve been avoiding.

Until next time…

Love & Magic,

Cindie

 

Posted in Communication, Conscious Creation, General, Personal Growth, relationships | 7 Comments