Radical Relationship Mastery

Are you responsible?  Of course, right about now your brain has been triggered by that question to think of all the places in your life that you are responsible…Things like, “Yes, I always get to work on time, I feed my cat, I pay my bills on time, I return my voice mail, I recycle, I don’t text and drive, etc.”

I want to suggest something that you might not be thinking about though.  I want to go a step further and talk about radical responsibility. This means you are willing to take responsibility for everything you are experiencing.

And what I really want to address is taking radical responsibility in your relationships.  To really embrace this concept would mean that you would be willing to take responsibility for every single thing that is going on in your relationships.

I can hear you groaning.  All of the he-said-she-said stuff is probably coming up.  “He’s acting like a total jerk, I’m not taking responsibility for that.”  “She is so needy, that is totally not my fault.”  And on, and on, and on.

I get it.  Sometimes the people in our life behave in ways that feel uncomfortable for us.  The thing is, we get to choose our response.  In fact, that is what this whole post is about…responsibility….our ability to respond.  This means that our feelings and behaviors and actions are OURS to choose.  Which takes us completely out of the blame game.

No more, “He makes me mad.”  No more, “She really pushes my buttons.”  …I mean hey, they’re YOUR buttons.

The responsibility factor shows up SO clearly in our language.  So, if we’re really willing to be responsible we will own our own feelings.  “You make me angry” becomes “I feel angry”.  All of your feelings are valid, just be sure to own them.

This is especially true for the uncomfortable feelings as well as the comforting ones. It’s so tempting to say “You make me happy” to that someone that is really lighting you up…but no one is responsible for your happiness except you.  A more responsible phrase would be “I feel happy when we’re together.”

These subtle revisions are very powerful and they take practice. Even with practice I guarantee you’ll slip up from time to time.  I’ll admit that I do.  Just the other day I sent someone a message that said, “You make me smile.”

The truth is, I was smiling because I was enjoying what I was feeling.  Those feelings and that smile were my responses to his kindness.

If we are willing to see the whole world as a mirror we can really empower our relationships.  So often what we are getting is what we are putting out.  I realize that this might be a scary thing to consider.  How about just considering it for one day? Just for today.

Being radically responsible is empowering, and you want to be empowered, right?

Love & Magic,

Cindie

P.S. If you’re struggling in a relationship it could have to do with chemistry….have you heard my free audio class “7 Keys to Great Chemistry?” You can get it here.

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Communication, energy leadership, General, Personal Growth, relationships | Leave a comment

Privacy or Secrecy?

Recently I had a discussion with a friend where we both noted that we consider our selves to be fairly “private” people.  That got me thinking about what it really means when we identify ourself that way.

For me, it means that certain areas of my life I just don’t normally share with people that aren’t part of my close inner circle.  But the fact is if I DID share those parts of my life with the world in general, my guess is that no one would be all that interested anyway, and certainly no one would be hurt.

And this is one of the main differences between being private, and being secretive.  Generally, people keep secrets because the secret would hurt someone or damage the relationship.

Having privacy, our own personal “space” is a basic human need.  Privacy is connected with healthy boundaries.  Secrecy is not.

Secrets destroy intimacy whether or not the secret ever becomes known.

And most secrets do become known at some point. As the Buddha said, Three things cannot be hidden long, the sun, the moon, and the truth.”

Secrecy takes an incredible amount of energy to maintain, and it builds up walls that block intimacy at the same time.

The strongest, healthiest relationships are built with mutual respect, trust, and open, honest communication. Privacy and healthy boundaries are a big part of the way respect plays out in a relationship, and this leads to trust, and is fostered by open communication.

Secrecy undermines everything that makes a good relationship work.

My wish for you is that your intimate relationships enjoy openness and mutual respect, and that you recognize that secrets never serve the relationship.

Love & Magic,

Cindie

 

Posted in Chemistry, Communication, General, relationships | 2 Comments

Fun & Enjoyment

“What do you do?”

When was the last time you were asked that question?  For me it was a few days ago at a gathering where there were a lot of people I didn’t know.  It seems to be the opening line for so many people upon first meeting each other….”Hi, nice to meet you, what do you do?”

In fact, this question has been the topic of conversation between me and a few close friends.  Sometimes I joke that my answer  to the question “What do you do?” is “Whatever I want.”   That sounds a little crass, maybe downright bitchy, so I usually don’t say it.

But really, there is so much more to each person we meet than “what they do”.  Agreed?

People are so multi-faceted and each of our lives contains so many aspects.  We have a lot of interests and concerns that cover many different areas, from family and parenting, to health, spirituality, relationships, career, finance, health and aging.

And the area I want to bring up today is….[drumroll please]….Fun and Enjoyment.

I tend to work with a lot of people who truly love what “they do”.  They have begun to “follow their bliss” (or are on that path) and really are experiencing what it means to enjoy their “work” so much that it seems like it’s “not work”.

I understand this because I love what “I do.”

However, there is still an area that I tend to skip over in my own life, and it is really important.  In fact, it keeps coming up for me lately, and I know I need to listen to that inner voice.

Fun and Enjoyment.  Not just having fun at what “we do”, not just enjoying our work, but actually setting aside time (be it 15 minutes or an entire week – whatever you can manage right now) to just HAVE FUN.  It’s fine to add fun to everything you do.  I’m talking about doing something JUST for the FUN of it. Fun being the sole intention for whatever it is you choose to do to fulfill this area of your life,  Fun and Enjoyment.

So, I’m going to challenge all of my readers this week to have some fun for the sake of having fun.  And I’d love to hear from you about what you did to make that fun happen.   Or, comment below with what your intention is, and let that comment build in some accountability for you.

No excuses….none. Not… “I don’t have any money”…or “there is never anything fun to do in this town”….or “I can’t find anyone to have fun with.”  No excuses.  I’m going to make time for some extra fun this week too, and I’m not letting myself off the hook with any of those excuses either.

In fact, I think this is going to become my new “meet and greet question” the next time I’m in the situation of meeting new people.  “Hi, I’m Cindie.  It’s nice to meet you.  So, what do you do for fun?”

And, speaking of having fun, did you know that “fun” is one of the ingredients to great chemistry in a relationship?  If you want to know all 7 ingredients you can hear my free audio class here.

Okay, now go have some fun. 🙂

Love & Magic,

Cindie

Posted in Conscious Creation, General, Life balance, Personal Growth | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Time to Let Go

Recently, I attended a private mastermind group at the home of John Assaraf.  The whole event was incredible….and as usual, in any event where there is SO MUCH amazing transcendent thought going on, I was especially affected by ONE statement during the day.  The statement was made by Alexis Neely (THANK YOU, Alexis) and it was simply this…”Before every big shift there is a big ‘letting go’.”

WOW.  That one sentence hit me like a ton of bricks.  I needed that SO much. And that is exactly what I am doing this week.   Letting go.

Letting go of some significant things….

I have lived in the same city for over 20 years…and it is time for me to let go, and move on.

I have some relationships in my life that have been supportive, exciting, sweet,  AND they are no longer serving me,  so it’s time to let go.

I have accumulated many ‘things’ that have significance, weight, and fond memories attached to them….AND it is time to let go of them. (Tag sale!!)

I’m reminded of something my colleague and mentor, Morgana Rae, said to me: “Things work until they don’t anymore, and that’s a sign to move on.”

Why am I so determined to let go?  Because what was once good is no longer good enough.  Because sometimes in order to have something more, something different, something better,  we need to make space for it.

I am ready to realize a bigger vision. I am ready to create something fresh, something powerful, something real.  I am ready to experience a BIG SHIFT.

Are you ready for a significant move forward?  Are you ready to make a Big Shift in your life?

What are you ready to let go of??

 

Here’s to letting go, and to letting it be easy.

 

Love & Magic,

 

Cindie

Posted in Conscious Creation, General, Life balance, Personal Growth, relationships | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Defensiveness

When was the last time you caught yourself in DEFENSE mode?

You know, defending your choice, your opinion, your actions, your words, etc?

Recently, a friend of mine told me that he found himself almost automatically defending himself at times and he asked me why this was.

There’s a very simple answer to this question. I told him that we defend ourself when we don’t feel safe.

We get defensive when we feel the need to protect ourself.  Which brings me to my questions for you today…

When do you catch yourself in Defense Mode?

Who are you most often with when this happens? (And, why don’t you feel safe with them?)

What is it you are trying to protect?

So often we hear the word “chemistry” applied to romance and romantic connections.  We say that we have great chemistry with someone, (or not!)….and so often we equate the whole concept of “chemistry” with physical, sexual attraction.

Are you aware that there are many facets of chemistry, that are all equally important, and one of them is safety?

Feeling safe with someone is part of good chemistry….and when you feel safe with someone you don’t have to defend yourself.

You can get my FREE audio download here to find out all 7 ingredients of great chemistry!

 

Love & Magic,

 

Cindie

Posted in Chemistry, Communication, General, relationships | 2 Comments

“The Real Deal”

Have you ever heard that expression used to describe a person? “She’s the real deal.” Usually this means that the person really can deliver what they say they can, right? That they aren’t a “poser”, but that they are who their disposition and “front” say they are. You could apply the WYSIWYG tag to them (What You See Is What You Get).

I think we all want to be that authentic.  However, sometimes it isn’t as easy as we’d like it to be. Sometimes we lack confidence in ourselves. Sometimes we don’t know ourselves very well. (If this is the case…spending time with yourself and finding out who you are and what lights you up is the next step.) If we meet someone and we feel attraction to them and suddenly our inner critic starts telling us we aren’t good enough, a typical reaction would be to go into “strategy mode”.

Strategy mode requires us to analyze everything and make decisions based on what we think the other person wants. So we make adjustments to who we really are and instead become someone that is almost who we really are. I heard someone recently talk about how they used to get “lost” in relationships. She described changing her clothes and hairstyle and choice of music and activities so she could “fit in” with whoever she was attracted to at the time. In essence, she was showing up to every new relationship wearing a “mask” of sorts.

Here is the problem with wearing a mask. When you show up wearing a mask, part of who shows up is the real you, and part of who shows up is fake. Eventually the real you will show up completely (oops!…forgot the mask at home today!) and the person who you’ve been wearing the mask for will realize that they were in love with someone else (the mask).

Sometimes this feels like getting blindsided, but the truth is we weren’t being authentic and then we got found out.

Showing up completely authentic is the best strategy.  When you show up as yourself you will be able to attract someone who loves you just the way you are.

Being authentic is an ingredient of great chemistry. Do you know all 7 ingredients? You have to have all 7 to have a great relationship. You can find them here.

Love & Magic,

Cindie

 

Posted in Communication, General, relationships | 1 Comment

Trust Me

Answering a Reader’s “burning question”….

 

“How can I trust again after being blindsided by someone I loved and who I thought loved me?”

Ouch! Being blindsided is never a fun experience, especially when it involves someone you love.

This is an important question, because Trust is imperative in a great relationship. In fact, the ability to trust and to feel safe with someone is part of having great chemistry with someone, and great chemistry makes a great relationship.

So, I know you want a great relationship, and I’m sure that when you think of that perfect, wonderful, loving relationship you are imagining experiencing love with someone you can fully trust.

And here is the clincher (and the secret to trusting again)…first you have to trust yourself.

Spending time in silence, paying attention to your feelings and emotions, spending a little more time in your body and a little less time in your head, and really cultivating a relationship with yourself will all take you a long way in the direction of knowing, and trusting, yourself.

Once you fully trust yourself you’ll automatically begin trusting others, when they are trustworthy. If you find yourself having a hard time trusting someone, you need to trust yourself! There is probably a very good reason why you don’t find it easy to trust them. Pay attention to that sense you have. Spend some time with yourself, just being quiet, and ask yourself why you don’t trust them. Listen to what your body has to say, pay attention to your inner wisdom. Trust yourself.

The second important factor here is that you also need to be trustworthy. Are you honest in how you show up (authentically) and in how you relate to others? A trusting relationship requires two people who both trust each other.

And lastly, remember that you need to have all 7 ingredients of great chemistry to have a great relationship. You can find them all here.

Love & Magic,

Cindie

Posted in General, Personal Growth, relationships | 1 Comment

Bacon & Eggs

This may be the shortest blog post I’ve ever written… but it was born out of a coaching session that had a very powerful result.

The session involved a question about commitment.

My answer was this:

Bacon and Eggs….

The hen was involved. The pig was committed.

The moral: You can’t be 99% committed. If what you want is to be involved…great, go for it! Have fun, love every experience you have, learn from it all, smile, feel, let the experience enrich your life. Involvment and commitment are both options. Just know that if you decide on commitment, you’re all in.

So, now you can answer this question…. If you knew that the _________ (fill in blank—relationship, job, experience, group, etc….whatever it is you are considering committing to) was going to remain EXACTLY as it is today, on a scale of 1 to 10 how willing are you to commit?

Committed? or Involved? Both are valid choices and both are valuable, just completely different.

No shoulds. Your choice.

Love & Magic,

Cindie

Posted in General, Life balance, relationships | 4 Comments

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Here is a great secret for you to live by: great relationships with others (especially significant others) begin with you having a great relationship with yourself.

And yes, I’m aware that we hear this all the time, “you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else” and “you need to be good to yourself”, etc. and YES, I am aware of how cliché that sounds. The main problem here is that most of the time we don’t know WHAT that means exactly (to love ourself) or HOW to do it!

So, I want to let you in on the secret….first, it is easy. You just need to treat yourself the way you want a lover to treat you. Do you want to be a priority in your lover’s life (as opposed to being an option)? Then make yourself a priority in your own life.

Let me tell you a story that illustrates this. For years I was the absolute QUEEN of putting everyone else first, and I’ll be the first to tell you that years of putting everyone else first will not make you feel like a Queen, or cause anyone to treat you that way.

When someone would ask me, “Where do you want to go to dinner?”, my stock answer was, “I don’t care, where would you like to go?” And even if I was just dying to try out a new place, I would still defer to their preference and do it all with a smile on my face. I wanted to be “nice”, and considerate, and loving.

One day, I was doing a few chores around the house and thinking about some news I had just heard: A group I belonged to had made a decision. I found out because they were happy to tell me the news. No one had even asked my opinion first, and I was a leader of this group. And even though it was a very small insignificant decision, I felt left out, and really, like a second class citizen. Honestly, I was hurt, and angry.

While thinking about this I heard the Universe speak to me in no uncertain terms. “This bothers you? What do you expect? You consistently put yourself last. Isn’t this what you want?”

NO!! It wasn’t what I wanted! I decided then and there that I would begin treating myself with respect. And not surprisingly, the way others treated me shifted.

Do you give yourself as much love and respect as you give to others? If your relationships with others aren’t filled with mutual respect, maybe you aren’t respecting yourself as much as you could. Start with you. Be good to yourself.

Love, Magic, & Respect,

Cindie

Posted in General, Personal Growth, relationships | Leave a comment

On the Rebound?

This morning I got an email that contained someone’s burning question….
“How do I know if its a ‘rebound relationship’?”…and honestly it was perfect timing to get this question,

Because….

Monday night I taught a class on Great Relationship Secrets AKA The Love Chemistry Kit…and one of the things I wanted to address…but FORGOT to address….was rebound relationships.

So, now is my chance to answer a reader’s question and redeem myself for leaving this information out of the call.

So, first and foremost let’s define rebound relationship. In my oh-so-humble-opinion, the sooner the relationship occurs after the divorce or breakup, the more likely it is to fall into the rebound category. The dictionary definition of the word rebound is “to recover from a setback or frustration.” Ah yes, recovering from the frustration of being suddenly single is what the rebound relationship is all about, and although it may allow you to recover from this particular frustration it is most likely setting you up to find a whole bushel full of frustrations down the road.

When my own divorce was final I made a rule for myself (and I would never impose MY personal rules upon you, Dear Reader, but… just sayin’)… that rule was that I absolutely WAS NOT going to even THINK about dating for at least a year, possibly two.

And I demanded that my close friends keep me accountable to this rule.

I can hear you sighing all the way over here.

I made it 101 weeks. Yes, almost 2 years. During those 2 years I took really good care of myself, I got to know myself again. I remodeled a house. I went on trips. I did yoga. I painted paintings and I wrote songs. I spent time with friends and time with myself. I made dinner parties. I went to the races. I went back to school. I started a business. I wrote a book. I smiled a lot. I cried a little.

Sometimes I felt lonely and wished for a relationship, but I KNEW that the most important relationship I could build was the one I had with myself, and that is what I did.

And by the time I went on that first date I was ready to show up complete and authentic and totally comfortable in my own skin. I was confident in who I was, and who I was becoming. I was clear about what I wanted… from myself, from a partner, from life.

So…back to the original question. Just how do you know if it is a rebound relationship?

Maybe that isn’t exactly the right question. Because here is the problem with rebound relationships, (and why they don’t usually work out):

There are 7 ingredients to great chemistry, and you have to have them all.

The missing ingredients are the ones that end up blowing the relationship apart down the road.

So often in life we don’t know what we want, but we are sure about what we don’t want, and this is what so often trips us up and lands us in a rebound relationship. For instance, let’s say you know for sure that you DON’T want another man who disrespects you like the last guy did, SO…you immediately fall for a guy who is SO respectful! The problem is that you are so starved for respect that you pay no attention to the fact that so many other things about him are NOT a match for you. Eventually, the one factor that you focused on will just not be enough to keep you loving happily ever after.

So, get the audio download of my class Great Relationship Secrets AKA The Love Chemistry Kit here. Listen carefully and identify the ingredient(s) that were missing in the last relationship, and then just take an inventory of your present situation.

Are you only focusing on what was lacking last time -OR- are all of the ingredients for great chemistry present in this new relationship?

Be honest with yourself, and if you don’t have all 7 ingredients of great chemistry, keep moving.

Love & Magic,

Cindie

Posted in General | 3 Comments