Last night was Halloween, and in spite of the fact that The Handsome Sweetheart and I had begun to create our costumes for this year (pirates!!) a year ago…we didn’t foresee the tremendous weather pattern that would be hanging out over our city for the entire day and evening. And I’m just not a big fan of running around in the pouring rain, so we changed plans and stayed in. We shared a lovely bottle of wine and watched the movie Practical Magic. It seemed like the perfect Halloween movie and since I’d never seen it (I know, I know) it was a great choice.
And I loved it. Mostly because it had a happy ending, and also because, well…magic.
And of course…Love, of the true love variety. Love that arrived in spite of Sally’s (Sandra Bullock) desire to prevent it by creating a magic spell to keep true love away. (And I apologize if somehow that’s a plot spoiler for you but I figure I’m the only one on the planet that is coming this late to the party.)
I’m thinking about this movie, and the idea of “true love” and how to attract it, while I’m pondering some questions that came my way recently regarding true love relationships.
How do I “let go” and “let myself off the hook” when I’m trying to attract a relationship?
The original discussion took place over in The Love & Magic Salon, and concerned not only romantic relationships, but close personal friendships as well.
Like anything we want desperately, desperation is exactly the thing that holds us at arms length from
our desire. Sally surely wasn’t desperate to have a relationship, in fact she had actively decided she didn’t want one and worked to that end from childhood.
But when we are feeling desperate for a relationship the scenario often goes like this:
We desire a relationship. We start doing what we think we need to do have one. Nothing works. We get
frustrated. We step up our actions and do all the things twice as hard. Nothing works. Frustration doubles. We now have increased our desperation and frustration levels (“OMG everyone else has a relationship!! Even my batshit crazy friend has no problem getting a relationship!! ARRRGGGG!!!…”)
This level of frustration and desperation has now created incredible levels of resistance.
And then, (and I actually received an email from a reader once with this exact question, in all caps)…
WHAT AM DOING WRONG??
If I had to guess, I’d say you aren’t “doing” anything wrong. (So here’s the part where you can let yourself off the hook for the things you are doing). More likely the real issue is not what your doing, but who (and how) you are BEING.
You see, our experience in life is always directly related to our identity. So our actions (what we are doing) are not where the real power is, the creative power stems from who we are being.
This is why when we are being desperate, we automatically create more experiences that cause us to feel desperate over and over. This increases the desperation to a place that is totally unattractive. Literally – a desperate needy person will be repellent, not attractive. And I’m not speaking of physical attraction, but energetic attraction, like a magnet.
I once remember being practically accosted by a sales person who was trying to sell me a handmade hat. I liked the hat. I liked it a lot, but I was still on the fence about buying it. This salesperson was so desperate to make a sale that I completely stopped even thinking about the hat, and just began to plan my escape. I wanted to run, which is the normal human reaction to being chased.
So the question to ask here is WHO are you BEING? Who are you on the inside?
But, don’t answer that just yet. Because first I want to address the issue of letting go – because you are going to have to let go of the desperation in order to be attractive and magnetic.
So how do we let go? I know what you might be thinking – “It sounds so easy but it’s really hard. All I can think about is how badly I want a relationship. I want it BAD. I think about it day and night. I worry that I’ll be single forever and wind up like one of those crazy cat ladies. I’M SO FRUSTRATED!!! This is the thing I want most in my life and now you’re telling me I have to let go of it?”
No, I’m not telling you you have to let go of the desire for a relationship, but I want you to let go of being so attached to the idea of being in a relationship. And there’s a big difference. Because more than likely you’re attached to the fact that you are not in a relationship yet. Dwelling constantly in the “not having” arena in your mind. Attached to the outcome – “I’ve got to make this happen!”
So I’m going to tell you the easiest and fastest way I know of to let go of being attached to your desired outcome (in this case a relationship.)
Acceptance of “what is” – instead of dwelling on what isn’t.
Here’s where I’m going to suggest that you let yourself go down the rabbit hole a bit into those crazy single forever cat lady fears and ask yourself what is the worst thing that could happen?
Then, how would I deal with it?
Then, what might be okay about that? Even, what might be great about that?
And then – let yourself accept “what is” right now. If you’re really up for adventure you may choose to love what is, because ultimately you are in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing. And when you begin to believe it you’ll start to see some amazing things happen in your life.
Now, maybe you’re first reaction is to say, “But I have been accepting it! I’ve been accepting it for way too long!”
If this is the case I’d like to make a distinction between acceptance and tolerance. Tolerance may show up as a begrudging type of endurance. “I’m dealing with it pretty well” is not the same as acceptance.
When you are tolerating something you are always giving away your personal power.
When you accept “what is”, right now, you are standing in your own power. Acceptance is being willing to not have the thing you desire. This in no means puts you in the place of giving up on what you desire. It does mean that you recognize that you can thrive without it.
True personal power is not connected to anything you have, including a relationship. Your true power does not depend on whether you are married, or wealthy, or vibrantly healthy, a great business success, or the owner of that thing you want. True power comes from within you, it is not external, it is not attached to anything external.
This place of not having that thing you want yet is your opportunity to develop your own personal power and begin to recognize that you can thrive regardless of what hasn’t manifested in your experience yet.
This amazing creative power that resides within you is the thing that attracts everything you want into your experience. Breath deep, take a nap, relax, have some fun, and know that you aren’t doing anything wrong. You are in the right place at the right time, doing the right thing.
Your personal power becomes stronger every time you consciously tap into it, acknowledge it, and walk in active integrity.
Every big shift comes after a big letting go.
Letting go is a choice. Let it be easy.
Love & Magic,
P.S. Have you checked out my 7-Figure Relationship book/workbook? It might be just the thing to help create the relationship you want and to support you in recognizing that amazing relationship when it shows up!